Self-Reading Technique: Revisiting the Past

Reading the past can be a wonderfully therapeutic experience–especially when handling old wounds.  My favorite way to gain insight into the past is to use the tarot combined with my journal.  If there is a particular issue that is bothering me which has roots in an old hurt, I start writing about my feelings.  Eventually, a question will pop into my head.  For example, I might ask, what was the reality of the situation and what was my perception?  I pull two cards and record what came up.  I talk about how these cards apply.  Many times, I discover the reality of the situation was quite different from what I thought.

I think the easiest way to explain this technique is to use an example.  So, let’s get a juicy glimpse into my past.  We’ll examine a break-up I experienced when I was much younger and not quite as wise.  This relationship does still have some bearing on my current life because I’m still mad about it.  To protect the names of the innocent (or not-so-innocent, if you ask me!), we’ll call my former boyfriend Todd.  So, without any further ado; here goes:

I am still mad at Todd and it doesn’t make any sense.  I don’t even talk him.  I don’t even see him.  But I resent it whenever I hear anything about him.  In fact, just thinking about it right now, I’m getting all heated up.  What is that all about?  Sigh.  Well, okay, I think the situation is that I still haven’t forgiven myself for being hurt by Todd.  I’ve done enough journaling about it to know that much.  I am mad at him (after all these ridiculous years!), but mostly I am really mad at myself.  How do I see myself back then?  {I pull a card} Ten of Wands.  That’s actually really true.  I see myself as being responsible for everything.  I am holding myself responsible for every aspect of that relationship–even how Todd behaved.  There is also the element of me being taken advantage of in this card, which I also think is true.  How did I perceive myself back then?  {Pull another card} The Devil.  This is very true, too, and it actually sheds a lot of light on why I’m mad now.  I knew, even at that time, that I was in a bad relationship.  I felt trapped; to quote Woody Allen, “I needed the eggs.”–or, at least, I thought I did.  The fact that this is a major arcana card says to me that I’m not really respecting how trapped I felt at that time (because I now perceive myself at the time as a minor arcana card).  Yes, I may have known better–but not enough to change the situation.  Also, I didn’t see myself as solely responsible.  I felt as though I was in the situation with Todd and that it was beyond my control; whereas, these days, I hold myself as the sole participant somehow.

The Ten of Wands, compared to the Devil, indicates that I no longer appreciate how trapped I felt in my relationship with Todd, among other things. (Courtesy of Rider Waite Smith Tarot Deck)

Just of curiosity, how do I view Todd now?  Two of Swords.  Of course, this is the card where the lady is blindfolded.  I don’t see him.  That would be the literal translation.  At the same time, it does indicate that I don’t see him clearly.  This also explains the anger.  I’m not willing to face up to my real feelings about Todd or the situation.  One more question, and then I’ll stop torturing my readers with my personal exploration.  What part of the past am I in denial about that prevents me from forgiving both of us?  Six of Pentacles.  Well, here we have the notions of dominance and submission.  There is also the idea of giving and receiving.  This card is appropriate here for many reasons.  The main one being that one of us, at any given time in the relationship, probably viewed the other as their own personal supporting cast (and charity case).  I know it sounds awful, but it’s true.  In the beginning, I hung out with him because there was no one else around.  I didn’t exactly like him; it was more that I found him entertaining.  Then, things flipped around and I became the extra person in the relationship, but I needed him all of a sudden.  He and I were never on equal footing.  We always flip-flopped around each other.  So, of course I wouldn’t feel ambivalent about him now if I gave it any kind of thought.  There is also the notion that this relationship was what I needed at the time.  I think, in a lot of ways, this is true, too, and I have a hard time admitting it.  I think this card also echoes the Devil card.  There was a sort of balance in all of the imbalance of our relationship and I see that balance in both of these cards. The trouble was thst the balance required one of us to have the upper-hand while the other suffered the lower one.

As you can see, comparing perception to reality, past to present, etc., is a major element when using the tarot in this way.  It gives me a better idea of what I am working with and I can pinpoint misperceptions easily.  Although I didn’t ask what Todd felt about me or the situation in this example, that is another technique that I use when journaling/reading about the past.  In this case, I didn’t really care what he thought so much because the bulk of the problem was with myself (maybe the Two of Swords hinted that I’m not ready to deal with that now anyway).  In other cases, it can be very helpful to see another person’s motivation in a past hurt. 

Since much of the pains of yesterday are created by misperceptions, reading your past can be a liberating and enlightening experience.  I highly recommend giving it a shot and seeing what you come up with.

Related posts:

1. Self-Reading Technique: Dialoguing
2. Rekindling Tarot Romance
3. My Own Two of Wands
4. I Dream of the Nine of Pentacles #1
5. Ask Cathy: Two of Wands in the Past